“‘Then he isn’t safe?’ said Lucy.
‘Safe?’ said Mr. Beaver; ‘don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.'”
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, C.S. Lewis
This may offend you, and that’s good. Simply being “nice” is cowardice. Being a good man, takes courage. One is easy. The other is a challenge. While being a good man you may be kind to others, but simply being nice doesn’t mean you’re a good man.
What does it mean to be a “nice” man? The nice man avoids conflict and will try to appease whomever they are dealing with. The nice man wants to seem respectful by biting his tongue and remaining quiet. He will affirm someone’s belief they are the victim and offer advice that shows they care about the person, but ultimately is intended to gain someone’s confidence in them and build reliance or co-dependence. Ladies, know any men like this? Eventually, the “nice” guy will make some kind of advance, whether romantically or professionally, and if he is rejected, will spurn the person who rejected them. I’ve seen it first hand. I’ve had friends tell me about it. I’ve done it. The “nice” guy knows nothing of self sacrifice since his primary goal is self seeking. It was never about the other person, only achieving what they want.
This then begs the question, was the “nice” guy ever really genuinely nice? Here’s the tricky part; it is entirely possible he was truly nice, but it doesn’t mean he was good. As a Jesuit Novice, I spent time working in campus ministry for a small Jesuit university and met many “nice” young men, who weren’t good. Were they evil? Not necessarily, but they were not living a life Jesus prescribed to us. Working in campus ministry I had several male students confide in me that they struggled with personal relationships and were also addicted to porn and masturbation. While they were genuinely sincere and nice to the women they knew, they wouldn’t take the steps necessary to break from the cycle that was holding them slave to their sins. They were simply content to complain about their struggles without putting in the work to change.
I’ve had other men tell me their goals for family and careers, but when asked what they were doing to accomplish these, their answer was that they were nice to the women they met and listened to their complaints and were nice to the coworkers and bosses. As conversations went on, I never heard these men say they ever did something to show these women they were someone they could experience life with or that they took on extra responsibilities at work or showed initiative to grow in the company. They let women rant to them and affirmed their feelings and simply showed up and did their job. They did the bare minimum required of them, much like the servant who buried his talent until his master returned.
What makes a man good? His isn’t moral, but he is virtuous. He isn’t foolish, but he is courageous. He is dangerous, but he is safe. A good man has the capacity to commit great evil, but is disciplined. He knows the wickedness of men but holds onto hope and will offer mercy. He seeks not for himself, but for others.
Morals are developed interiorly. Our morals may be influenced by those around us and to be sure, morality can keep a society peaceful; but a man who takes the moral high ground rather than act virtuously is a coward. He hides behind his morals and uses them as an excuse for his actions and inactions. A virtuous man will act not out of his own interior morals, but because his actions are objectively Good and come from God. A moral man might see a drunk on the street and say to himself,
“I will never be like that,” because of how others would then perceive him. The virtuous man on the other hand might help the drunk person and refrain from becoming inebriated themselves because it would be sinful to lower his rational state to an irrational state where they cannot control their actions like beasts.
While the fool lacks wisdom and discipline, the courageous man has both. When risk is involved in a decision or action, a foolish man acts with no thought for consequence. Thus, there is no courage in his actions. He does not think about what may come from failure; he simply hopes he is right, and thus there was no risk in his mind. The courageous man on the other hand will think through a decision and weigh all possible outcomes. He will not act blindly or relying on luck to be on his side, but will do so with careful consideration. Thus, he knows he might fail and knows there will be consequences and still chooses to act. This takes discipline, to push on when he knows he might fail, and therefore is more courageous than the fool who runs forward gaily with no thought.
A good man is not harmless. A good man is a dangerous man but has the discipline to keep his composure and not act violently. When he or those under his care are threatened though, he can act with right amount of force required by the threat he faces. A good man has the capacity to do great evil and can think of terrible acts because he must know how to defend against them. He will never act on those thoughts though or commit those evils. When possible, he will always show mercy, as it is truly better to preserve a life than to take it. He will give forgiveness, but his punishments must be just. This is how God acts. The punishments He dealt with the Israelites in the desert were in direct proportion to their sins against Him. When considering,
“What would Jesus do?” the good man knows flipping tables and driving blasphemers out of the temple with a whip is not outside the realm of possibilities.
The good man’s goals are not oriented towards himself, but first towards God, then his spouse or parents, his children, then his community, then his country, then his job, and finally himself. The good man understands that love requires sacrifice and that the needs of others must come before his own desires. The good man will lay down his life for another, as Christ did with His ultimate Sacrifice that brought us new life. And it is because of this promise that the good man will seek to serve others before himself. He should have no wants other than to be close to God, and that reward is already granted to him. Thus, the good man has no need for self seeking and can focus on seeking the betterment of others. And the good man is not alone in this; there are other good men looking out for him too, and he knows this.
A nice man isn’t a good man. A nice man has the potential to be a good man. The first step is wanting to be a good man. Even if he doesn’t want to, but asks for the desire to want to, he has taken his first step. To learn how to be a good man, the nice man must recognize his failings and sins. He must see how he has to change in order to be a good man. He must look to Jesus and the saints as example. The next step is building the discipline to keep going. It will take many small steps and failures, but with each failure comes an opportunity to be courageous and press on. As he presses on, he will be exposed to great evils. He will be tempted, but if he can remain courageous and disciplined, he will learn how to fight these temptations and learn the skills necessary to fight back and defend himself and others. As he breaks away from his own interior self seeking, he will seek to do good for others, for as he comes to know God and Jesus, he will know his reward has already been won.
The Measure of a Man 