Halfway through my cold shower, I felt, for a brief moment, the water pressure drop before it surged back, more powerful than before. Needles stung my face and chest as the already uncomfortably cold water turned to ice. My third round of Exodus just became a lot harder.
Having been through Exodus twice before, I knew it was the reboot I was looking for to my life. Having been through it twice, I thought I knew what to expect and knew how to handle the challenges, but it seems God has other ideas. As I go further into the desert, I find myself being challenged in new ways and can’t help but notice how God is working through it all in a very unexpected manner..
Currently, I have just finished week three, where after settling into my rhythm of prayer, exercise, and asceticism, I am beginning to dive deeper and the waters are getting colder. In a literal sense, as I have gotten used to being uncomfortable I find I need to keep making my showers colder so as to keep a level of discomfort high. This in turn has helped in other areas of my life, such as my jiu jitsu training, where I am finding that the more time I spend in less dominant positions, the more comfortable I become being uncomfortable, so that I can stay calm and work myself out. The more we exhaust ourselves, working to “empty the tank,” as my coach is fond of telling us to do, the more tough we become mentally, fighting through the exhaustion and discomfort to win. And when my toddler has a meltdown and my anxiety spikes as flashbacks to my own childhood and being disciplined with a crutch or wooden spoon surface, I more easily remember to breathe and help her work through her feelings so I can help her and take care of her. As I wrote in my first article about Exodus 90, get comfortable being uncomfortable.
In a spiritual sense, I am having to face the fact that I have indeed “squandered my freedom” as the writers of the Exodus reflections challenged. Often I have felt I needed to work alone and provide for my family. I thought I could do all things by myself, but I have come to realize I need God and I need my family as much as they need me. I can’t do anything without God’s strength and aid to help me along. While at times I may desire to hear His voice directly, lately I’ve had to listen for it in what others say to me. Shortly after this came up in my Exodus 90 reflections, God gave me a very concrete example of why He sometimes does this when I prayed about it. I recently competed in my first jiujitsu competition. While I have a basic understanding of the sport and how to move, in the moment when all I could see was my opponent on top of me, I could hear my coaches on the side telling me exactly what I needed to do. Most of the time I tired to follow their instructions, sometimes I failed, and sometimes when I couldn’t understand, I pushed on with a different idea. When I listened, and even when I failed, but still kept trusting their guidance, I found myself in positions where I was the dominant fighter and had the advantage. In those times I didn’t understand and went with my own ideas, I struggled more and would eventually lose by submission. But afterwards, I realized just as my coaches had more experience and could see things in my match that I could not, so often those who God speaks to us through are in a similar situation. They are often times wiser and can see the bigger picture while we are focused on what is immediately in front of us. Without my family and my fraternity, I would not be where I am spiritually.
As I continue to face new challenges through Exodus90, I cannot help but to see how God is showing me ways to face them through my jiujitsu training. As I train harder, I am shown concrete lessons and examples of what often comes in my prayers and reflections of the readings from Exodus. Having been somewhat complacent with my faith for the last year or so, Exodus90 has helped me again take my faith and prayer more seriously. The colder the waters get, the more I have to rely on God to be able to endure and place all of my trust in Him.
The Measure of a Man 